That little dwarf.

Remember when I said I had a beautiful growing family, a couple of posts back? Well, I meant my mom was pregnant. Yes, was. She's given birth to a beautiful baby boy named Hector. He's the cutest living creature on this side of the world, and probably the other.
I bring up the subject of the birth of my brother because thanks to him I'm happy right now, and I have the certainty, for the first time, that this happiness is going to last. Now I have something to live for. I want to be someone he can look up to, he can always talk to and count on, I want to be the one he wants to sleep with when he wakes up at 2 a.m after a terrifying nightmare, someone he can ask anything and trust to have the answers he's looking for, I want to teach him to love rock n' roll and all sorts of good music, I want to make him a guy with curiosity for the world (but not too much, just enough), I want to protect him, to make him feel as special as he is. That way I'll thank him for making me the luckiest big sister on the universe, and for saving me from myself. I never thought he would be the one to do it, but things couldn't have turned out better. In the end, yes, things have gotten better. So much better. And living to see it through has finally turned out to be worth it. So, so very much worth it. 

I push people away. That's what I do.

And one day, no one is going to bother coming back. 

I need a damn way out.

Ugly. Worthless. Never good enough.
Will it always feel this way?
I can't have any more help than I have already got. And this makes me feel so helpless. What if I do not make it out? Am I really stuck here? Have I got to a no return point? Is it too late to save myself? What can I do? Thankfully no one notices this mess inside my head. It must be the hair. It partially covers my eyes. They say eyes are the windows of soul. No one can see my eyes, no one notices what goes on with my soul. The funny thing is I don't even cry anymore because of this. I hate the girl I see in the mirror everyday. Not just her looks, but what I see through her eyes. That's nothing new. It's not worthy of my tears anymore, the story has grown old after all this time. You know something I hate too? It seems that I can't write about anything but hate. Hate this, hate that. Hate, hate, hate. That's why I draw, and that's why I play. I can't use words, so the hatred moves to a second place. It's just me and the paper, or the guitar/piano. And it's why I read. For a while I escape my world and sneak into someone else's. I learn about that someone, I understand what he goes through, and I see how he makes his way out.
Sometimes I've thought of writing down my story, but I don't even know where to start.
Besides, who likes sad endings?

Some songs I feel related to.

Mark Twain.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the things you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. 

Stuck.

Do you ever feel like every time you're about to get it, to be the person you wanna be, that little part of yourself that hates you comes out and screws all that you've achieved? Yes? All the time? Well, now we're two. Or maybe two thousand. I go to bed, stare at the ceiling, think of it all, I make a decision and carry it out. You make all your way, through sweat and effort, and you're there. And then, you fall back down to the start. I thought I couldn't be worse than I was, stuck with no progress. I was wrong, it's worse to not be able to keep that little progress you manage to make. Is the self destructive me always going to win? 

You try.

You fail?

Doesn't matter,

try again.

Fail again?

Fail better.

Metamorphosis

I hate being the kind of person that has been so beaten up by it's life that has ended up turning into something completely different from what it's supposed to be. What I am supposed to be. I got tired of always being the kind naïve girl who just wished upon everyone else's happiness but wasn't able to find her own. So what am I now? A bitter fourteen year old girl tired of living? I don't know what to do. Before I was alone, but at least I knew what I wanted and I went for it. Now I'm still alone. But I don't see a light in my future anymore. I thought I couldn't hate myself anymore than I already did. I was so mistaken. I just want it all to disappear. Everything.
My mind must seem so fucked to you. One day I write about how much life is worth it, the next about how I'd like to kill myself and everyone around me. It's not your fault, I don't understand myself most of the time either.
But what the hell can I do but carry on? I'm not gonna stop it now. I've been making it through this dreadful fourteen years, for my pride I can't just give it up now. What can I do?
May I just fall dead right now if I ever even thought I'd end up like this some years ago. I can't see pictures of myself when I was a child without crying. What happened to you? Why did you become a monster? When did it happen? 
For God's sake.

I can't.

I can't do it.

Cliche, sweet cliche.

"Retrain your brain. Say: 'I am not to be compared to no one. There must be someone better than me, but also worse. I am not to be compared to no one. I am unique, I am beautiful.'"
Sure. Like it was that damn easy. There goes my try.
I'm a girl, a fourteen year old girl, living one of the best times of her life, but still not being what we could call happy. After the storm, I haven't reached my well-deserved sunlight, yet. It's just a matter of time.
I'm moody, irritable and lazy. I'm stubborn, to unsuspected limits. I'm suggestible, way too sensitive and way too reserved. I hate exercise. I hate having too much free time. I'm odd. I've fallen uncountable times, ad nauseam. I'm self destructive. I've cried my heart out so many times, and no one has found out. I have a low self esteem. I myself am a contradiction.
But, I'm loving, and I have so much love to give it doesn't fill in my chest. I defend my opinion and beliefs to death, and my beloved people. Being reserved just makes me more mysterious, being sensitive humanizes me, and being suggestible makes me realize what I really want or not want to be. I use my time well, and train my mind, not my body. I'm a limited edition. I've always went back to my feet, always moved on, always been brave enough. I appreciate the little things. Each tear has made me an inch stronger. I appreciate myself more than any self conscious person will ever love themselves. I analyze several points of view, before making a decision. 
There's so much more to say about me, there are so much more flaws, but also virtues I haven't discovered, there's no much more to see, to feel, that living to have it, to reach that full knowledge of myself and who I am makes life worth it. It is worth it. So, so much worth it. 

I need you close, but also missing.

This is an everything or nothing case. Either we get along, we are good friends or something more, or nothing.  I don't want you to become that classmate who I only talk to to ask for dates of exams, and neither I want to become the same to you. I want us to mean something for each other. If that's not possible, I'd rather you to just disappear. I'm gonna give it one last shot. On monday, I'm gonna talk to you, about what's going on. I already told you I would, so there's no hesitating here, I just gotta go. Wish me luck, I'll need it. I'm tired of just sitting waiting for something to happen. It's time to make it happen, or move onto another thing. 

I need you. I fucking need you. But I see you don't need me that much. It hurts, it really does, but hey, life goes on. I just need some help to get back on my feet, like I always do, blow after blow. It's my way of showing life that it's dealing with a not-that-easy to break teenager. Here's a tough stone for the winding wind. I'm not that simple to erode, but once I am it just makes me a little beautifuler. A little wiser. Older. I hope you're not a blow, but a caress. But I know it's kinda impossible. 

 

And I guess...

I guess I'll never get over you while I'm forced to see you every day. I guess I'm waiting for something that will never happen. Well, no, I'm not waiting anymore, but still I can't get over you. I saw your best side, and liked you. Then I saw your worst, and I loved you. Because I know that you're not perfect, but at the same time I can't bare to ever meet someone who represents perfection and equilibrium better than you do. And I guess that you will never think the same of me. And I admit, that I won't be able to love anyone else while you're in my mind. But I also need to admit, I wouldn't like it to be any other way. I love you, I've always done, and while I can't put distance between us I always will. And I know this is pathetic, but at least, at this, I'm sure I'm hopeless.
And I guess, it's because there's nothing beautifuler than your once again gorgeous motherfucking face.

The never-ending loveless story.

I wanna ignore you with all my soul, but every time I do it I get this pang of guilt. When did you become my weakness? I can't stand to have you near anymore. But you're at my class, I can't help but see you day after day. Day, after painful day. From time to time I dare to look at you and I regret it every time. I can do nothing without you coming to my mind straight away, everything reminds me of you. I know your face so perfectly I could paint it with my eyes covered. My eyes which seem to see nothing but you. How do you dare to unable me to do anything but think of you? How do you dare to even talk to me after all that you've done? I'd like to say I would like you to leave High School, but I can't. It's not true. If you left I would lose all interest in going. Please, either leave or, notice me, because I'm dying to be able to say;

Astonishing idiot of not mine

I hate looking at guys who would’ve seemed beautiful to me before and don’t anymore, just because I compare them to you, and there’s nothing beautifuler than your gorgeous motherfucking face. I hate listening to love songs because automatically you and your lips come to my mind, and with them the thought -or lets call it knowledge - that they’ll never search for mine. I hate to get asked if I have a crush on someone because I have to lie. And I lie to the few people I dare to tell too, because I don’t like you, I’m in love with you. I hate studying because I remember that I’ll never be smart enough for you. I hate to talk to you because I have to repress the imperious necessity to move forward just a few centimeters more, and caress your feather-smooth face with my lips. I hate to have you sitting in front of me in class because I can’t stay focused at what I should. I hate when you touch your hair. I hate the fact that you’re too perfect. I hate to be left alone with my thoughts because all I can do is make up scenarios of you and me, and I crush harder and harder every time I come back to reality. I hate not being able to sit next to you when I want to, and feel your warm smile. I hate not being who you need. I hate you to be so nice to me most of the time, but I would die if you weren’t. I hate needing you in my life in any way. I hate that you are the first face I search for when I arrive at High School. I hate weekends because I don’t see you. I hate that my eyes don’t need glasses to appreciate all of you, astonishing idiot of not mine.  

Why is it so hard?

 

I don't wanna think of you.

Worthy of an Oscar.

It's amazing the way I can hide it all at my wish. If I don't want no one to notice I'm broken, no one does. This makes me wonder, how many teens are there at my high school doing the exact same thing as me? And in the whole country? The world? Pretending to be okay while everything falls by the wayside, and feeling impotent as you see you can do nothing but watch. Trying harder and harder every time to always fail. To always see how the ceiling you carefully built up to protect yourself from all that hurts you, succumbs at the acid rain. How it all collapses, and you're back to the start, back to zero, back to nothing. The world is full of actors and actresses a thousand times better than Johnny Depp or Kate Winslet themselves, but their life is their movie. They play the part of a happy version of themselves. This makes me wonder, how much will our movies last? And between wonder and wonder, the day is gone. This makes me wonder...

Hey y'all

First of all, I wanted to thank all of the people who read my blog, or who have ever read it. It really means the world to me that someone actually finds at least slightly interesting all of this I have to say.
Well, about this week, high school sucks. It really does. People are asshole, in extremis. 
But I don't wanna talk about them now. I've discovered I love the XIX century literature (Jane Austen, E.A Poe, Gustave Flaubert...). I like to read about those times when young people knew how to talk and write without committing MAJOR grammar mistakes, and were polite also. Sometimes I'd like my life to be interesting enough for someone to think it's worthy of being the plot of a book.
And I'm convinced that I was born at the wrong time, in the wrong place. I should've been born either in the XIX century, in the U.K or at the golden era of Rock n' Roll in the U.S. When people had a good musical taste. That would've been awesome. But anyway, I've got to cope with what I have been given.

 

Something fateful is about to happen...

I don't know why I'm feeling so good lately, maybe because I'm so tired I'm unable to think straight, or maybe because something terrible is about to happen. It's always that way, and I don't know, through all this "half-happiness" I have a rare sensation in my stomach (and no, it's not that I'm hungry - well, maybe a little). Something bad is about to take place, I'm sure about that. I don't know what it is, I just hope life is not too harsh. I really need a break.

Before I forget.

Hey there people, just before I get down again, I wanna illuminate my dark blog with some happiness. I feel good today, it's been a nice day. He talked to me. Bah, anyway, anything's ever gonna happen, but that's better than nothing right? At P.E I dared to get out of the basketball court and go where I really wanted: with M and A (two friends of mine) to play "football" - the truth is we just took a ball and started kicking it around and running after it, but anyways it was fun! -, and not feel bad because of it. I don't really know what else happened, I just did what I wanted when I wanted without feeling any shame. That's enough for me to be okay. But lets see what happens tomorrow. Will I still be happy? Won't I? Who the fuck knows? But this few moments are worth the sad ones. That's all I know. 

I need a reset button.

I just wanna ask you to forget all that I said about that guy I met that I liked. I never dated him, those two days were as normal as all the rest. That never happened. He doesn't exist, he never happened to ask me out. I've never kissed no one. This is the last post in which I'm gonna mention him. From now on, we're gonna forget that he ever happened, that he ever came along. Love is the excuse of fools. It doesn't exist, just like Santa, or even God. There's nothing more magical than the Cookie Monster in this world. Music is the most beautiful think you'll ever find, because all the fairy tale things people keep searching for just don't exist. It's all a huge lie to fool the littlest kids and make them believe the world is less ugly than it really is. [TO BE CONTINUED SOON]

  

I guess I'm too naïve.

The only truth is that no one stays.

Why would anyone? There's nothing worth keeping in all that is related to me. Nothing worth keeping... Does that mean that my suspects have been confirmed? Am I just a waste of air and space? That's what fourteen years of existence are summed up to be? A waste? 

Uhm, hey.

Yeah, hey.
I just wanted to talk to you guys about some things.
First of all, if any of you ever want to contact me or anything, drop an ask at my tumblr (letmebeasleepforever.tumblr.com), it would really mean the world to me.
Second, I want - I need - to talk to you about what I'm feeling right now. It's not sadness, sorrow or pain. It's love, love and gratefulness. And I feel all of that towards, four men. For marvelous men who saved my life, and who still do it day after day. Those four men worked hard, very hard, to get what they have and be where they are. And one of them, is my inspiration. My role model. That man is called Gerard Way, and the other three man are Frank Iero, Ray Toro, and Mikey Way. They all make My Chemical Romance, and I need to thank them for getting me out of the dark at the worst times. And I need to thank them for encouraging me to pursue my dreams. Their songs, their lyrics, they all give me the hope no one else knows how to. They are my saviors. Some people say they've changed. And they're right. Just like always. In every album, every song, they change. Why? No song, no album is the same as the others. Each one has a different sound, because they were all inspired by different things. Imagine a band who always did the same kind of music, it would end up being tiring, monotone, and it would bore the fuck out of all the fans. Change is good. So please understand.
Finally, I'll give you some updates about my life. I spent 15 days at the south, and now I'm at Lanzarote, where I will stay for 5 more. Apart from all the nice feelings for My Chem, the daily sorrow is still there. The hole in my chest remains unfilled. But now I distract myself making art, reading, writing, or learning to play the piano/guitar. I've decided to make a good use of my sadness, I'm gonna turn it into inspiration, into strength and courage to go for what I want. To fight for it. I read a phrase the other day which is now my favorite: Forget the risk and take the fall, if it's what you want then it's worth it all. Will I be able to make it? I don't know, but that's not gonna stop me from trying. I'm gonna do all in my hand and more, I can do anything it takes. That's my dream.

I drew this.

Gee approves!

This...

ROCKS!!!

Love disappoints me.

Now that I finally found someone who loves me, you know, this awesome guy, I think I'd be better off alone. I'm really confused. I liked him, a lot, just before I found out he liked me back. The first date was amazing, and now, I barely feel a thing when he kisses me, when he hugs me. We haven't even made a week yet! What the actual fuck is this shit? Why do I feel this way? Isn't this supposed to be spectacular, magical? I don't even get butterflies anymore when he tells me something sweet. I saw him today, and I went back home earlier than I had to because I felt so wrong. The thing is that I liked him just a few days ago. What's happened? Love is just an invent of industry to sell teddy bears, chocolate and fucking flowers (in my case, CDs). I feel so wrong, I don't wanna hurt this boy, he's really amazing, in all senses, but I just... I just... I can't even phrase it.
I had the illusion to find someone someday who would make me forget everything with just a caress, with a word. Someone who would love me, and who I would love back. I thought I loved him. I'll hate myself if I ever hurt him. I swear I will.
Is this it? Is this "love"? Because if this is it I would definitely be better off alone.

Happiness, happiness is in the air...

...it's everywhere... but in my soul.

And my soul, from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor, shall be lifted...

nevermore...

You find the beauty in this world with your eyes closed, because...

Could this be real?

I met a boy, at this new place I told you about. I'll tell you a little bit about him; he's the guitarist of two bands, he's very fun to be around and he's smart. He also listens to me, and doesn't care if I don't speak - I've already told him I'm a quiet person. I'm still getting to know him, but today we hung out at the surroundings of my house, because I'm punished and I can't go any further. When I told him, he said there was no problem if I was grounded, that he could perfectly come around to see me if I wanted to, and I surely said I wanted him to come. We talked, and laughed all the time, at first I was very nervous, I even had a stomach ache, and almost didn't eat before we met, but everything was so amazing, there was such a relaxed atmosphere, no tension in the air. I could perfectly be my quiet self.
It's the first time that a boy I like likes me back, or so I think. I thought this would never happen. The truth is that it even feels strange. It's a weird sensation, and since this is the very first time, I don't know if I should feel this way. Everything is so new and bizarre. I just know we both love this song.

It's not the usual kind of music I listen to, but I think it's beautiful. 

Awesome. More than awesome, awful.

I met some awesome people last saturday. They are the most amazing people I've talked to in quite a long while. But I'm so damn asshole than even after meeting a ton of new guys and girls who will hopefully become my friends, I still feel wrong. Today I wanted to cut again, but I had to respect my butterfly. My best friend drew it for me. Though it's already vanishing. Why can't I be happy when I've got no reasons to feel sad? I can't understand my damn brain. Two guys have been flirting with me. I don't like none of them, but still I feel flattered. Isn't that a good reason to feel good? To feel fucking great?
Moral of the story, no matter what happens, you'll never feel okay. Don't try to change the tears for smiles, in the end they all fade away. 

Hypophrenia: a feeling of sadness seemingly without a cause.

And I don't know how to stop it.

And once again, just like always...

...nothing feels okay. I feel like I'm losing my best friend. She's alright with me, but I'm not that much with her, we're too different. I'm like this kind of dark, socially awkward, introverted girl and she's like all the opposite. She was shy, she says she's not anymore though. I don't really care whether she's shy or not, but she's always trying to... I don't really know how to explain it. She's just changed too much for my taste, I don't like to wake up one random day and find out this girl I called my best friend has changed completely, from head to toe.
My dream, my absolute dream and aspiration is to form a band and, you know, just try to live doing what I love the most, like I would even drop out of college if I got a good chance, and if it didn't work I could always go back to studying or keep trying, which would probably be what I'd do. She wouldn't. She wants to form a band, but she's not that keen on the idea of taking it more seriously than a hobby. Before I thought I was never gonna make it because of her, because I wouldn't be capable of it without her. Now I know I can live without her.
I like to be independent. I'm never gonna make anyone my everything, because when they leave - and everybody always leaves - you've got nothing left. I'm tired of running after her. I'm done. It almost feels like I can't talk to her about anything anymore, now I have to be careful with what I say. And tomorrow I'm gonna see her. The truth is that I don't mind, she's my best friend in the end, but I don't know what I'm gonna find.
I'm tired.

PS: Bad news (yes, more). I haven't cut lately because I was waiting for that little butterfly I drew in my arm to fade away, though I've desired it at every second. Now I've realized it's already gone. 

Just in case I ever get married, here's my future wedding cake.

OR!

They just fought.

I don't know how the heck I'm not crying or cutting. I'm broken. All I did when I went to my room, expecting to burst in tears, was log on to youtube, get my headphones and start playing Blink-182. This way I got distracted and sneaked out of my house to a beautiful place full of music and... Tom DeLonge shirtless. Ha, that must've sound so creepy.
Now I'm scared to turn the music off because I know what will happen, so I won't.

It's not what I needed, and not what I wanted.

I needed to find someone who'd like my odd self and would find something to love in my flaws. You know what I've got? Someone who likes my looks. He "loves" me for how I look like. I must admit I feel flattered, but I don't like him. He's not the kind of boy I like. Unlike him, I don't only need a pretty face to fall for somebody. Some people tell me not to say NO this soon, because he's the first one to like me enough to even think about asking me out, but I'm sorry. I won't date someone that I don't like. I'm not that kind of girl. I can give him a chance as a friend, but not as a boyfriend when I don't even know him yet, and he's not my freaking type. If he loves me as much as he says, he'll be content with that. If he doesn't, well, then he can fuck off.
I guess I'll have to keep waiting too. 

Busted.

My mom and stepfather saw the cuts. They got angry and screamed at me and, just like I expected, didn't understand a thing. They took away from me my razors, and now any social network is forbidden for me, except this one. Including tumblr, so if you follow me there and you don't know why I don't update it anymore, well, now you know. I told them this was like a diary of mine and so I still can use it.
I know they do all of this for me, because they don't want the cutting to get worse, and want me to get cured. They also believe I am bipolar, but I already knew that.
I love them for caring so much about me, but I hate them because they won't let me cut again, and I absolutely need to, like now. I need that cold steal kiss again. I feel just like always, I mean as 'great' as always. I need it. But what can I do? There's no human way of me cutting now that they know I do it.
What can I do now? I have nothing left. 

Wake me up when hell seethes.

I've got to a point where I doubt if life is as worth living as everyone thinks it is. Life is nothing more but a period of time when you meet people who will hurt you, then leave you behind, and then you die. My parents keep making my existence impossible. The ones supposed to wish me happiness are destroying it in front of my eyes and all I can do is watch. If I make a single move things go worse, if that's even possible. My inner demons ask me for my blood and I'm not afraid to give it to them. Wounds heal too fast for my taste. I thought things were going better. I've learned that that belief only takes me to bigger disappointments. It's not that I'm negative, it's that my positiveness has been bullied, kidnapped, raped, beaten to death, then burned and it's ashes lay buried deep in the most recondite place of my mind. I don't even wanna try to be happy anymore, I've tried hard enough. All my shots were trampled over by people who didn't even know they were destroying me, and who wouldn't have cared if they knew.
I guess I'm on my own in this fight. What the fuck, when haven't I been alone?

Poem to desperation.

And here I am now

Alone, just like always

Wishing to die

Knowing I’m hopeless

Nobody cares

I’m not worth the damn

Not even my best friend

Understand what it’s like

I could end it all

The pain, I could stop it

But together with it

My chances of change

Don’t leave me lonely

With my mind, my thoughts

I can’t escape the fate

When I’m on my own

How? HOW?

How can they expect me to believe I'm not bipolar? I took a depression test some days ago and it scored less than 30, which meant I wasn't depressed. Now my amount of points is 64. I wanna die. I wanna die. I can't stand the mood swings anymore, nor the depressions. When I'm okay, my hopes rise way too high, just to crush again, harder every time. I'm alone, I'm stupid, I'm bleeding, I'm crying, I'm more dead than alive, and no one cares. I could stop it all, I could end it all, but I don't want to, I wanna live. I wanna see tomorrows dawn, I wanna get married, I wanna travel, I wanna kiss somebody. But I can't stand the pain anymore. This is gonna be a fateful week, I'm sure about that. I'm grounded until sunday. Will I make it till then? Probably, but more like a zombie than as a human. While I'm here, dying, my mom is in the room next door, laughing, having a good time, after ruining her daughter's life, or more likely, her daughter's existence.  My future seems hopeless, just like my present and my past. My life seems pointless. It'd be much easier if someone killed me. I can't cope with this anymore.

After all this sh*t that has happened all along my existence,

I hate everything and everyone in this world. 

But there's no way out, or no one to escape with.

Hold my hand and run with me. Run away forever, far away from the former me. Run away with me to someplace where no one knows our name, tell me things will change, promise me the happiness I so desperately have been longing to get. Hold my hand and pull me out through my window, lets get on a plane to an unknown destination and don't ever look back. Take my hand and help me escape from the darkness I'm trying to outrun, whisper all I need to hear, I won't stop you. Help me find a way out of this black hole. Tell me we can leave, say we'll survive, bring my hopes up, up high. I need you more than ever, where are you? I need to get out, but I won't leave without you.

THIS.

Bloody feelings parade

I did it once again
Another expedition
To a well known place

I found what I wanted
In a painful way
But when the pain faded away
The crimson poison got ready to lead the parade

I find this beautiful.

Untitled.

Thank God I was wrong. I'm not bipolar, what I have is even worse: teen-polarity. Haha, let's forget I just said that. What I mean is that all that I thought is wrong with me, is just that I'm a teenager. Well, if being a teenager involves being depressed half of the time, this is a fucking rip off.
Today I have this empty feeling in my chest once again. I'm alone, no one cares about what happens to me. I could die right now while having a shower and no one would realize until they went to the bath for a towel and found me laying there. They'd cry for me some days, maybe they'd be sad for a couple of months and life moves on. I wouldn't like it to be in any other way either. I'm not worth getting depressed for, not even if I died. I don't know what stops me from ending it all right now. Probably the fact that there are many things I haven't done; like I don't wanna die before I feel unconditionally loved at least once, also I wanna see the northern lights, I wanna learn to play the guitar...
All those wishes for the future are they one's who keep me there today, so I'm able to say music is my only savior, not love or none of those stupidities, because feeling unloved, the lack of love is what's got me here now, thinking about ending it all. Moreover, my psychologist told me to stop cutting, and "threatened" me by saying if I didn't, I'd probably end up at a psychiatrist and having pills. What can I do now to get distracted? Play the piano? That makes me feel wistful, because I think my dream will never come true. Calling a friend? Yeah, I have so many friends waiting for me to call them and tell them about this feelings, and even if I had them I wouldn't call. Reading? I could try that, but first I'm having a shower and I can predict I'll end up cutting once more. I'm strong. I have to resist. This unfair world is not gonna get to me. Things can only get better, and nothing lasts forever, not the good things nor the bad. Someday this will end. I just have to make my way through the pain and the mood swings until that day arrives.

That's all I needed.

I'm starting to suspect I have a bipolar disorder. I know it's stupid to try to diagnose myself, but I've been reading about it, and my attitude coincides with many of the symptoms. On wednesday I'm visiting my psychologist and I'm asking her if there's the slightest possibility of me being bipolar.
I thought it was idiotic to even think I might have a BD, because M (my psychologist) would have noticed, but then I read it can go unnoticed for over ten years. I'll pray for my suspicions to be wrong, I wouldn't like to be accurate this time.
At first I thought I was depressed, but I can go from being extremely sad - enough to self harm, even to think about suicide - to an euphoric mood in a matter of days. So depression was discarded. Afterwards I thought of a BPD, because of the self harming, but I didn't coincide with the symptoms. Later I came across the idea of bipolarity, I dig out a bit deeper and what do I find? Oh God, I hope I'm wrong. This has to be wrong. First anorexia and now this? No. It's impossible. What the hell have I done to deserve all of this shit? My mind is all fucked up. This is wrong. I must be wrong.

I hope it's not only just a dream.

Often people ask me what do I want to become in the future, or more exactly, what I am going to study at college. I always say I'm stuck between psychology, journalism and forensic medicine. Well, that's pretty much a lie.
I don't want to do none of those things. My dream, my passion has always been music, and that's what I want to spend my life doing. I know it sounds like it's just a teen fantasy, but I actually want to form my own band and be its guitarist. I'm not bad at lyrics and I've always learnt very quickly how to play instruments. If Rebecca Black could do it I can. I don't need to become one of those worldwide known stars. I'd be happy with playing my music and having a bunch of good people listening to it. That's all I need to feel I've done something useful with my life.
When I close my eyes and imagine myself and the other members of the band up there, at the stage, it's just magical. I even get butterflies and I get nervous. I'm going to work really hard to get it, I can't wait for next year's guitar classes to begin.
Music has been my unconditional friend all along my life. I'm being serious when I say I probably wouldn't be here, in front of my laptop right now if it wasn't for music.
I owe this to it. 

Emo?

I'm depressed, feel like I'll never fit in, desperate to find somewhere to belong, I'm lonely, I'm all fucked up. But am I actually emo or goth?

 

Self embodiment.

I'd like to dye my hair red or turn into a redhead, pierce my nose and my ears, get a tattoo which says; 

Fight off your demons

and the tattoo at the picture below. Why? I'm a very expressive person. I like to express myself, I like to be myself, and so I think all those changes will turn my outer image into the embodiment of my own personality. Yes, I like to think I'm a deep person. Everything I do has a reason to be done, everything has a meaning, a secret purpose. Well, almost everything. This makes me wonder, what's the purpose of me cutting myself? Why do I do it? Why can't I stop? When the self-harming and the anorexia problems are over, I will get tattooed the quote above. Or maybe before, so that I can look at my tattoo and remember I have to stay strong. Who knows. 

Music

It keeps me here today.

It scares away my demons.

It stops the flow of blood.

Hopefully my future.

Already my present. 

All I can think of. 

Running through my fingers.

Filling up my mind. 

My dream, my passion

my heart, I can't deny.  

...

Just a little pissed.

Recently I've been hearing and reading all this bulls**t about My Chemical Romance, alias my favorite band on the face of the earth. People should calm the f*ck down. They never promoted self harm or suicide, and whoever thinks so just doesn't understand their lyrics. In Famous Last Words they even say: "I am not afraid to keep on living". Since when that is a synonymous of "live sucks go kill yourself"? The fact that somebody that listens to My Chemical Romance commits suicide or self harms doesn't mean that it's the band's fault. For your information, just in Britain one out of every twelve teenagers self harm. You're going to blame My Chemical Romance for all of them? Grow the hell up and learn to listen to good music. You don't even have to listen to My Chemical Romance, but just respect them. They never hurt you or did nothing bad to you. Let them live their f*cking dream. 

 

*Quite a negative message the one above huh? WTF is wrong with you?

My weirdness makes me who I am.

So now I'm headed to depression, I've cut (and I'm finding it more hard to stop than I thought it would be), I'm sad, I'm lonely, I feel misunderstood, people keep asking me whether I'm emo, goth, heavy or what the hell I am, and... I'm learning to play the guitar and the piano, writing songs, broadening my musical taste (rock, metal, screamo, grunge, punk) and as you might see, all the good things happening are related to music. It's what keeps me alive, my only hope for the future. Music is my absolute everything and I mean it. What I do to survive all day long is watch horror movies, read, write, or anything related to music. I'm weird and I've been told so. Am I proud of my weirdness? Well, it's just what makes me who I am. Am I willing to change? Not even for all the gold in the world. I'm me with my flaws and my virtues - though the flaws outnumber the virtues by far - and that's what make me unique. That's me. That's all I can be. 

New favorite song

*

Ideal is overrated

I discovered something, something that's helped me to judge my life from a different point of view. I realized I only focused on what I didn't have, on the few things I didn't have, and I didn't appreciate what I did posses. That was unfair. For me and for the ones who are always there for me. I realized I have all the rights to an amazing life, and that I already had it, I just didn't know. I have wonderful friends, a growing beautiful family. I thought all I needed to be happy was to find the love of my life, but now I know I'm just fourteen years old. I have all my life ahead. I gotta be happy. They say love is like a lost object, if you try too hard to find it it won't appear, but if you momentarily forget about it it'll show up in the most unexpected way. That's what I'm gonna do. I'm a beautiful person, just like everybody else. I'm not talking about having a pretty face and a stunning body. I'm talking about inner beauty. Since I've matured, my life is so much more gorgeous. Life is beautiful. Enjoy it. Live it.

Pretty messed up, again

I don't understand myself. I feel alone, like no one understands me, like no one will ever love me, but I still don't want to change. Why? Because this is me. Whether people like it or not. I was born this way. This is who I am. I actually like to be me. I don't like myself but I wouldn't want to be anyone but me. I am shy, insecure, sometimes childish and selfish, weird, bipolar, crazy and confused. But I still wouldn't want to exchange lifes with nobody. My mom, my bff, my future bro/sis, my stepfather, my other friends, my life. They're mine. No matter how much life sucks right now, nothing lasts forever. Not even bad things. I have faith in that someday I'll get somewhere and feel I belong in that place. I don't know if I'm making sense, but until that moment all I can do is keep on living, or just existing.

Feel

Feel intensely. Charish every moment. Enjoy the little things. Love who loves you. Love who hates you. Laugh until you can't breathe. Be random. Never regret. Be espontaneous. Fall easily. Be strong. Cry. Be weak. Smile. Reminisce. Quit shyness. Quit resentments. Fool around. Be weird. Never forget. Move on. Fall. Stand up. Defend what's yours. Dream. Fight. Win. Lose. Lose your way. Make mistakes. Trust everyone. Trust no one. Get scared. Be brave. Take risks. Dance. Cry of happyness. Smile. Sing. Forget him. Have fun. Be sad. Be happy. Get stressed. Relax. Use your senses. Just listen. Just breathe. Live.

why would anyone?

I really can't picture anyone having a crush on me. I can't picture someone thinking about me before they fall asleep, or telling their friends about me. I can't picture anyone getting butterflies because I said hi to them, or even just smiled at them. I can't picture someone smiling at the computer screen or their cell phone when we're talking. I mean like... Why would they even do that? I'm just me. Nothing extraordinary, or special.
(taken from tumblr)

be careful with what you joke about

OR SO I HOPE

I do not belong here. Something feels so wrong here, and I won't change the way I am just to fit in. 

I just need a chance, to make my dream - our dream - come true. And just escape from this town. For the moment, it feels like there's no way out. I'll pray.

I am so different to the people I know. I seem distant even when I'm with my friends - bff, the only exception - because I feel like a weirdo. And I feel like no one will ever love me for who I am. But they say when you're different, it takes longer for you to find that special person. I don't need a prince charming in a white horse, what's more, I don't want one. I'd rather a rocker in a motorbike, or just a boy in a bike. 

I just have faith in that hopefully someday i'll find my place in the world. 

Is it possible in the slightest?

I have a dream. We have a dream. It's our dream. We've turned it into plans. Plans, for the future. They require effort. It won't be easy. At all. It'll be hard. It'll require sacrifices. It'll be hard. It is worth it. We'll laugh when we reminisce this not-so-good times. We'll burst into laugh. We'll be happy.
We have a dream. It's a big dream. A beautiful dream. An impossible dream. Or not that impossible?

wise words, florid moustache

Being normal, sincerely sucks

People say i have strange tastes. Why? Because I prefer Rock or Metal to Hip Hop or that sort of commercial crap? Or because I dress up like I like to dress up, and I don't give a damn about what's in fashion? Because I don't have any Make or dress-up app in my iPod? Maybe I'm not that sort of girl. And maybe I'm proud of it. Because honestly, those girls who can only think of "OMG I gotta buy this, everybody has it and i don't!!" or "Oh no! I'm running out of ways to make-up my face! Now people will see how I really am! NO!", kinda piss me off. There are much more relevant things in this world. Okay, I like to go shopping and buy clothes, I'm a girl. But I also worry about more important affairs, like the Amazonas, or Japan or whatever goes on in the world. The poem When hell takes over heaven says something about that. Don't try to understand it's meaning, because i don't think you'll be able to find it out. If being weird means not being like those dumbass girls I deeply dislike, then thank you for calling me weird. Then, I'm proud of being able to say I AM WEIRD.

When hell takes over heaven

Don't ask for no pain

Ask for strenght to resist

Because there's always gonna be rain

And you got to make your way through it

Look up to the sky

Scream at the stars

Where are they when times get hard?

Busy hiding their scars

Life is harsh to all of us

If we don't all stick together

What will be left when hell takes over heaven?

Set your goals high

Get out of my fucking life

I don't want you to change your school, I want you to get out of the country. And that's because it'd be impossible for you to live out of earth. You're so bipolar. You can be ice cold one day, and warm (but still distant) the day after. I have feelings. Those little things you do affect me more than I like to admit. When I see you with her (and her, refers to more than one girl), a light goes out in my head and all of a sudden everything is darkness. I know that makes no sense. You've never been mine and you never will.
There are no words to express all I'm feeling now. My heart and my mind are drowned with a feeling, somewhere between rage against myself for not being able to hate you and forget you, an overwhelming sadness because i know that that you & me thing won't be possible, and jealousy. The worst thing is remembering that promise I once made to myself that I'd never cry for you again.
Me liar.

New favorite song: Bittersweet memories

People say I'm not

But I know i am. Don't try to hide the truth. Though i think i can get to be proud of having an ugly face and body, which cover a pretty inside :)

Why is it so hard?

All that you are

You are my inspiration

The cause of my scars

My wasted shooting stars

My tears, my pain

My happyness, my sun

You're black and white

You're wrong and right

You're all I need to stay alive

You'd be the ruin of me

But you'd also be

The only one who could safe me

You're black and white

You're wrong and right

You're all I need to stay alive

STOP IT

Silent pain, hidden tears

I got tired of waiting for you to come along

Of staring at the phone's screen

Of faking smiles for you not to see me break down

I got tired of pretending

Tired of changing

All that I am for you

I am perfect in my imperfections

They say everyone's gonna hurt you

But you're not worth the pain

I dance in the storm

I scream in silence

I had to try it

Now I see I've wasted my time

Trying to make you mine

having self esteem and being confident ain't the same as being conceited

I recognize I'm not the best one to talk about this, because my self-esteem is quite close to the floor (because of gravity, of course). But, girls and boys out there reading this: you are beautiful. In your own special way. Another cliche, I know, but again, it's the bare truth. Type in google "Who's the cutest?" and click "I'm having luck". Then read and BELIEVE it. Love hasn't knocked your door yet? It's okay, don't rush things. That doesn't mean you're worthless. Everything that is meant to happen will happen. They say that you have to love yourself before wanting anyone else to do.
If your sighing for someone who doesn't even know you exist, remember that there's someone out there sighing for you, and who you don't notice. Imagine, your future husband or wife is walking this planet right now. The person who's gonna steal from you your first kiss breathes somewhere in this planet and you still haven't met him/her.
Learn to look at your virtues and to love your defects, because someday they'll be the things someone loves the most from you. That doesn't mean you are cocky.

You are my number one regret

i swore to myself i would forget you, because if i was able to do it once, for sure i could do it twice. But the truth is that i never really forgot you, i just thought i had. I can't believe how naïve i've been all this time. I don't wanna see you anymore, if i could, i would go back in time and tell myself NEVER to talk to you, because all you've given me is pain. I regret every single moment in which i thought we could be friends. we obviously can't. i don't know if it's because of you or because of me, but it's just impossible. I really wish i had never met you. But one thing is for sure: