Dreams, dreams

hasn't been a nice day. i'm tired of some guys thinking i have no feelings and treating me as if i were bulletproof. Al least i talked to some friends and went to an excursion. UGH i can't wait to end High School and leave to college, with my best friend. We wanna move to the UK. It'll be awesome. I can already imagine us living together. I hope our lives are better then. Me, totally recovered from anorexia, and her, gotten over that self-harming problem. Life has been pretty harsh with us so I think it's fair to think our day will be a little brighter when we leave HS and just start all over again. i must be possitive, but am i expecting too much? Dreams, dreams.

DARE

People is always gonna talk, so let's give them something to talk about. There are gonna be times when people tell you you're weird, so let's give them some of our weirdness. DARE to be different. DARE to say what you think, no matter the consequences. DARE to take off the fake smile and pour your feelings out to someone. DARE to go out for a walk dressed like you've always wanted to, no matter if it's absolutely out of fashion. DARE to flirt, you are good enough. DARE to be happy. There are gonna be times when a storm is gonna cover your sun, then DARE to dance in the rain. DARE to stop thinking you're worthless. DARE to move on. DARE to stand up for what you believe. DARE to be yourself. DARE. I know it sounds cliche, but it's the truth.

Pretty messed up

today i found another cut on her wrist, under one of her favorite bracelets. Did she thought i wouldn't see it? I told her that if she was't able to stop by herself i'd have to tell her mother, to take her to a psychologist. She told me that a reason for not doing that is that she's my best friend, but the truth is that that's just another reason to DO it. i cried when i saw the cut. I don't want her to get hurt, and since i've never done it, i don't know how she's feeling, and i don't know what to tell her. i don't know how to comfort her. i don't know if i should tell her that everything will be alright. What will be alright? she doesn't wanna tell me what's wrong. I honestly have ran out of ideas of what to do.

It's not as bad as it might seem

okay, probably, due to my other posts you'll have a HORRIBLE idea of my life. Yeah, i think so sometimes but, it's not that bad: i got an awesome best friend, the best mom i could have ever asked for, i'm about to have a lil bro/sister, music, i got friends that make me laugh so HARD, great grades, music, awesome guy friends, endless weekends, music...
okay, maybe i've had my heart broken a thousand times, but they say that if you're single it's just because God is saving you for someone special.
okay, maybe i get depressed way too often, but i got my best friend (maria) and my mom to wip my tears off.
BUT on top of all i LOVE to be ALIVE. It's just that i'm a very deep person and so are my feelings.

At the worst and best

she's the only one who understands me & how i feel. She's been there since i have memories, she has always been a shoulder to cry on. But now, I've realized that her life isn't as perfect as i thought, and it's her time to cry and break down. She tells me she has done something horrible. Self-harming. And what do i do? i get scared, i get hurt, because we have some kind of special connection and i'm serious. What hurts her, hurts me twice as hard. We talk about suicide for the first time, but i convince her about that she's not alone, she's got me, and we'll get over this together. Because i think that's what a best friend for a lifetime should do. They say a friend is not a friend until you have laughed, but also cried together. Well, we have cried with no tears, but cried. That's enough. When the rest of the world seems to be against us, we still have eachother. I'd be lost without her, and now i know, she'd be lost without me too. THAT'S love.

have you?

have you ever felt like your life is not worth living? have you ever felt like the worst thing that ever happened to you, is taking away from you all that you loved?
Like, nothing around you is not worthy of a smile. Like, all of a sudden you get everything you've always been fighting for, and as quickly as it came it leaves you, with a broken heart.
have you ever thought of ending all the pain? have you ever thought of how easy it would be? If yes, forget it. Of course life is worth living. If you ever think the opposite, maybe you're right. Maybe your life at THAT moment sucks, and there's nothing, absolutely NOTHING to live for. But then, think carefully. You have nothing to loose. You'll find something.
Just as I did. The only reason i have to live for right now is the dream, and the possibility of a better future. Of a future when i look back and laugh at myself for all the pain and sorrow i'm feeling right now, for such a superfluous matter. Of a future when i can finally, open my heart to someone without feeling fear of getting it broken again. Without being scared of having to heal a new scar. The old ones will never leave me, but they will also not allow me to forget my struggle. They show all the pain i've been through, and remind me of being careful with who i fall in love with. Yep, i wish my heart himself could learn that.

i swear this time i mean it ♥

So I'll sing a melody
And hope to God she's listening
Sleeping softly while i sing
And i'll be your memories
Your lullaby for all the times
Hoping that my voice could get it right...

Please, please

Please, please God, either make him notice me or help me to forget him. I've suffered enough because of love, please make this stop. I'm not like him. I don't wanna be in love of someone who doesn't love me back, it's just too painful. Please, please heal my heart. I swear i've learnt the lesson: i'll never open it to someone again until i'm completely sure about that it's not gonna get broken once more. My scars remind me of it everyday. Please, please make this stop. 

new favorite song: TROUBLE - NeverShoutNever (L)

don't fall in love, there's just too much to lose

lovely blindness

i know how you are when you're in love: blind. And I know that's one of the reasons why you're unable to notice me, no matter how made for eachother we are. it's amazing the way i can hide all the pain just by faking a smile. But it gets harder everytime, because i hate seeing you so in love with someone who doesn't love you back, when we could be so happy together. What i'm gonna do is keep being your friend, because i'd rather have you in my life just as a friend than not having you in it at all. And maybe, just maybe, you'll one day feel for me what i feel for you.