You find the beauty in this world with your eyes closed, because...

Could this be real?

I met a boy, at this new place I told you about. I'll tell you a little bit about him; he's the guitarist of two bands, he's very fun to be around and he's smart. He also listens to me, and doesn't care if I don't speak - I've already told him I'm a quiet person. I'm still getting to know him, but today we hung out at the surroundings of my house, because I'm punished and I can't go any further. When I told him, he said there was no problem if I was grounded, that he could perfectly come around to see me if I wanted to, and I surely said I wanted him to come. We talked, and laughed all the time, at first I was very nervous, I even had a stomach ache, and almost didn't eat before we met, but everything was so amazing, there was such a relaxed atmosphere, no tension in the air. I could perfectly be my quiet self.
It's the first time that a boy I like likes me back, or so I think. I thought this would never happen. The truth is that it even feels strange. It's a weird sensation, and since this is the very first time, I don't know if I should feel this way. Everything is so new and bizarre. I just know we both love this song.

It's not the usual kind of music I listen to, but I think it's beautiful. 

Awesome. More than awesome, awful.

I met some awesome people last saturday. They are the most amazing people I've talked to in quite a long while. But I'm so damn asshole than even after meeting a ton of new guys and girls who will hopefully become my friends, I still feel wrong. Today I wanted to cut again, but I had to respect my butterfly. My best friend drew it for me. Though it's already vanishing. Why can't I be happy when I've got no reasons to feel sad? I can't understand my damn brain. Two guys have been flirting with me. I don't like none of them, but still I feel flattered. Isn't that a good reason to feel good? To feel fucking great?
Moral of the story, no matter what happens, you'll never feel okay. Don't try to change the tears for smiles, in the end they all fade away. 

Hypophrenia: a feeling of sadness seemingly without a cause.

And I don't know how to stop it.

And once again, just like always...

...nothing feels okay. I feel like I'm losing my best friend. She's alright with me, but I'm not that much with her, we're too different. I'm like this kind of dark, socially awkward, introverted girl and she's like all the opposite. She was shy, she says she's not anymore though. I don't really care whether she's shy or not, but she's always trying to... I don't really know how to explain it. She's just changed too much for my taste, I don't like to wake up one random day and find out this girl I called my best friend has changed completely, from head to toe.
My dream, my absolute dream and aspiration is to form a band and, you know, just try to live doing what I love the most, like I would even drop out of college if I got a good chance, and if it didn't work I could always go back to studying or keep trying, which would probably be what I'd do. She wouldn't. She wants to form a band, but she's not that keen on the idea of taking it more seriously than a hobby. Before I thought I was never gonna make it because of her, because I wouldn't be capable of it without her. Now I know I can live without her.
I like to be independent. I'm never gonna make anyone my everything, because when they leave - and everybody always leaves - you've got nothing left. I'm tired of running after her. I'm done. It almost feels like I can't talk to her about anything anymore, now I have to be careful with what I say. And tomorrow I'm gonna see her. The truth is that I don't mind, she's my best friend in the end, but I don't know what I'm gonna find.
I'm tired.

PS: Bad news (yes, more). I haven't cut lately because I was waiting for that little butterfly I drew in my arm to fade away, though I've desired it at every second. Now I've realized it's already gone. 

Just in case I ever get married, here's my future wedding cake.

OR!

They just fought.

I don't know how the heck I'm not crying or cutting. I'm broken. All I did when I went to my room, expecting to burst in tears, was log on to youtube, get my headphones and start playing Blink-182. This way I got distracted and sneaked out of my house to a beautiful place full of music and... Tom DeLonge shirtless. Ha, that must've sound so creepy.
Now I'm scared to turn the music off because I know what will happen, so I won't.

It's not what I needed, and not what I wanted.

I needed to find someone who'd like my odd self and would find something to love in my flaws. You know what I've got? Someone who likes my looks. He "loves" me for how I look like. I must admit I feel flattered, but I don't like him. He's not the kind of boy I like. Unlike him, I don't only need a pretty face to fall for somebody. Some people tell me not to say NO this soon, because he's the first one to like me enough to even think about asking me out, but I'm sorry. I won't date someone that I don't like. I'm not that kind of girl. I can give him a chance as a friend, but not as a boyfriend when I don't even know him yet, and he's not my freaking type. If he loves me as much as he says, he'll be content with that. If he doesn't, well, then he can fuck off.
I guess I'll have to keep waiting too. 

Busted.

My mom and stepfather saw the cuts. They got angry and screamed at me and, just like I expected, didn't understand a thing. They took away from me my razors, and now any social network is forbidden for me, except this one. Including tumblr, so if you follow me there and you don't know why I don't update it anymore, well, now you know. I told them this was like a diary of mine and so I still can use it.
I know they do all of this for me, because they don't want the cutting to get worse, and want me to get cured. They also believe I am bipolar, but I already knew that.
I love them for caring so much about me, but I hate them because they won't let me cut again, and I absolutely need to, like now. I need that cold steal kiss again. I feel just like always, I mean as 'great' as always. I need it. But what can I do? There's no human way of me cutting now that they know I do it.
What can I do now? I have nothing left. 

Wake me up when hell seethes.

I've got to a point where I doubt if life is as worth living as everyone thinks it is. Life is nothing more but a period of time when you meet people who will hurt you, then leave you behind, and then you die. My parents keep making my existence impossible. The ones supposed to wish me happiness are destroying it in front of my eyes and all I can do is watch. If I make a single move things go worse, if that's even possible. My inner demons ask me for my blood and I'm not afraid to give it to them. Wounds heal too fast for my taste. I thought things were going better. I've learned that that belief only takes me to bigger disappointments. It's not that I'm negative, it's that my positiveness has been bullied, kidnapped, raped, beaten to death, then burned and it's ashes lay buried deep in the most recondite place of my mind. I don't even wanna try to be happy anymore, I've tried hard enough. All my shots were trampled over by people who didn't even know they were destroying me, and who wouldn't have cared if they knew.
I guess I'm on my own in this fight. What the fuck, when haven't I been alone?