Overseas

So, so far away,
across the ocean.
Far away, too far,
far for a maybe.

Even if we both wait.
Who says you love me anyway?
Far away, too far,
far for a chance.

Even if we both run,
to the middle.
I can't see you in the distance.

Even if we both scream,
to the top of our lungs,
I can't hear you.
My yell suffocates yours.

Even though I want you,
and if you wanted me,
it could never be.
There's an ocean in between.

It blockades any desire,
and distance kills passions,
too far, far away.
That's what they say.

Even if we both wait,
even if we both run,
even if we both scream.
Bigger than any kind of love.

But what do we say?
Will they have the last word,
in our maybe?
I'll wait, and run, and scream.

Just try.
One day it will be worth it,
we'll shut their mouths,
when we're side to side.

F you, my dear

You can always try to shut me,
stop me, throw me to the ground.
I've hit it before.

It's a reality, you can try to destroy me,
walk over my defeated corpse.
I'm sure that's what you dream of.

It's true that you can beat me,
use me, fool me, hurt me, abuse me.
Don't say you wouldn't like to.

But it's also true I won't stay still,
letting you begin your kill,
giving up on every dream,
watching it all leave as you win.

You can put my loved ones against me,
then they weren't worthy of trust.

You can shout out to the world the flaws,
I'm already aware of.

Break my bones, bleed me dry,
make me lose the sanity I so dearly protect.

But I'm invincible.
I'm stronger than you are.
I outwit you in every way.
I have fallen to the ground,
and picked myself up every day.
I've heard what you had to say,
And I have a message to give,
Since you can only talk bullshit,
I tell you to fuck off, kindly.

I'm sorry about swearing,
there is just no other way.
This is a strong feeling,
and you all need to see how far.

You won't take from me all I've built,
You won't conquer my empire,
I'd rather die than to see it in your power.

You laugh now, like I didn't mean it,
But soon, you will see,
How you should've never underestimated me.

And it's a fact.

Southern anecdotes

I already came back from the south, as you probably will have noticed. I had a lot of fun there too, I even got "tan" (which, for me, is basically not as pale as before), I spent the day at the pool, playing water polo and swimming races with my younger cousins. But I also found out that I am up to the circumstances when it is required.
There was this nine year old girl, who had went there with her younger sister, her big sister (a sixteen year old four door closet who wanted to be my friend from the start, but she didn't talk to me though), and her nine year old cousin. The first day I got there, the big sister wanted to be my friend, as I said, and the nine year old cousin of theirs asked my out. The first I thought? Since when the hell am I so popular? Then I saw them both bullying the nine year old Tati, right in front of me. What do I do?
–Come, Tati, let's go for a walk.
–Well, okay.
–Finally, you take her out of our sight!
–No, actually I'm taking you out of her sight.
Yeah. Later on Tati told me everything, and told me the typical things you are told when you do something good, but I am not a wonderful person, I'm just a girl with a sense, and a defined view of what is wrong and what is right. I took the sixteen year old and Tati, and talked to them both.
–Hey, you are really hurting your sister.
–Yes, but it's not on purpose, we're just kidding.
–I know you think you're just kidding, having some fun, but what you do does get to her, and your jokes have gone way too far. Look, you are the older one, you have to be a role model to her, someone she can look up to. I wouldn't do to my brother what you are doing to her, because I love him, and I know it would be hurtful.
She said I was right. They fixed it and now they're great, and thank God, because that giant girl could have punched me unconscious, but that possibility didn't stop me.
Afterwards, this little kid called Brian, and his brother Alvaro came. They were amazing, and then Iruma (11), Carlos (4) and Chesare (12). Iruma is a good friend of mine now, and Chesare developed feelings for me somehow, up to a point when I had to stop it.
–Chesare, you're twelve years old. I wish you were older, but you're not.
–You wish that because you like me.
–I wish that because maybe if you were a little bit older, there would be a chance that I would like you.
And it's true, he was really fun, and interesting and handsome, but a kid still.
We played truth and dare and called hot, handsome and gorgeous to some guys at the pool. We ate leaves and answered awkward questions, and laughed so much. Also this girl called Shakira came, but that wasn't remarkable. I developed tighter bonds with my almost seventeen year old cousin and I took lots of pictures. Also I found out a guy had been calling me names with other people. I decided I didn't like that and confronted him, after talking for a while (when he stupidly insisted in that he didn't know me at all), he apologized. I couldn't even believe it.
We would lay down in the hammocks at night, listening to music and talking, and staring at the night sky. We played and laughed. I will never forget it.
Summer has been good.

Prohibitions and leaks

Last summer I met some people that were, well, different, from all the people I had ever hung out with, and my parents didn't like them from the very start. Since I was fourteen years old, there was nothing humanly possible I could to do see them without my parents noticing. 

But this year, there's been a twist in the plot. 

Today, three hours ago, I came back from going with some of those friends to the rehearsal of their band. Oh dear, was it fun. I can't find the appropriate words to phrase what I've been feeling since I did it. An adrenaline rush all the time, even my head and stomach hurt. After the rehearsal, we accompanied the rhythmic guitarist home, and then went to the soloist's guitarist house, and we did all sorts of stuff there, it was epic. Afterwards we went to the mall, and since two of them are dating, we left them alone, and me and the drummer went for a walk, and it was like this whole year hadn't passed since we last met, I felt so relieved and happy you could never tell unless you had felt the same. When I got home I felt really motivated to do all of the things I haven't felt like doing in the last days, so, paradoxically, those who my parents thought were bad influences for me, have ended up being the best therapy I could have ever gotten. At home, my parents tend to do nothing productive, they just sit around and rest before they are even tired, and since I spend a lot of time with them I began adopting their habits in some way, when that is nothing like myself. I am a very sparky, active, outdoors woman most of the time, when I am allowed to, and my friends love me to be that way, because basically we never get bored.

The ruse we elaborated in order for me to be able to go to the rehearsal, was that I would tell my parents I was going to hang out with a new friend of mine (the rhythmic guitarist's girlfriend, she looks like a good girl, so they didn't care, though they suspected of my intentions, I believe) at the mall. Once there, we would meet them and we would walk to the place where they rehearse, to then come back before my parents noticed.

And it worked so perfectly I couldn't believe it at first. I was very nervous before I did it, and I thought of not doing it, but I couldn't back off at that point. 

I hate lying to my parents, or to anyone, but I had no other option. When something is as good for you as my friends are, you can't just allow someone to take it away from you that easily. Fighting is the least you can do. I tried convincing my parents at first, but since it didn't work, I had to unfortunately look for more untruthful ways. 

But it was so, so, so much worth it. It had been a while since I felt so alive, I never want to come back down from this. Ever.

If you want it, go for it, it's the best piece of advice you'll ever get. Embrace it. And enjoy the ride.

Tell me it's not amazing

Daring

My entire life I have always wanted to sing. Always. But I had never dared to do anything about it, until now. Last year I recorded a video of myself performing Still Breathing, by Mayday Parade, partially, with the intention of showing it to people when I felt ready, and I feel ready now. Also I sang in front of my uncle, and he liked it, though he says I still have to work very hard for my voice to sound as well as it could. Next year I will talk to my musical theory teacher for him to tell me what he thinks of my voice, and since he is a professional, he'll probably know what I can do to improve. If you want to see the video, here's the link to my youtube channel, I would be so glad if you checked it out and liked/disliked it. That's all I ask for, thanks.
http://www.youtube.com/user/HereIsZoee

PS: I probably won't be writing in a while, since I'm leaving to the south for nine days, so yeah, see you afterwards xx

Oh, shit.

It seems that all the people I've met this summer, met me in the wrong time of my life, because I've kept none of them. It hasn't been such a great summer, and I haven't been feeling excellent, so I haven't been behaving normally. Usually I know what to say when, I'm funny and I'm outgoing, but when I feel sad... I'm not so much, I guess. I recognize it's was my fault. But bah. I'll keep meeting people my entire life, I just have to learn from this. Note to self: when you're not feeling right and you're with strangers, PRETEND, or just try never to feel bad enough for it to change your attitude towards life. Life's too short to be anything but happy, they say.
I like to be the happy version of myself, so that I will be. Fuck the haters. I have my best friends, and I know they're always going to be there. The rest just misses it.
I won't change who I am for absolutely no one. I've been through things they probably have never heard about, and it's normal for me to feel out of place when I'm surrounded for the kind of person who has had a happy comfortable life. Our ways of seeing the world are completely different.
When I wanted to survive, I survived. When I get determined to achieve something, I get it. Sometimes it gets longer, sometimes shorter, but I get it. I want to be the intelligent, outgoing and confident girl I would've been if none of what I've been through had happened. And so I will be, because it's my life, my story, and I decide the way it continues.
I am the owner of my universe, and the star of my movie. And I will make it worth watching.

For all the right reasons

On and on and on

Fitting in with the world doesn't seem to be a part of my fate. It doesn't matter how hard I try to, well, keep in touch with them, and to meet new people, it's always the same story. Everyone ends up doing boring things I'm not interested in. Well, actually it's not what they do, it's them themselves. I can go out with a friend of mine who loves taking pictures of herself, but she's an interesting girl, he has more than just a pretty face. I have a couple of friends like that. Also, I have a couple of simple interesting friends, but those are the least. The rest are your everyday people, with nothing interesting or special in them, or at least nothing they want to show.
People sooner or later end up leaving me for some reason. Even my "best friends". I admit sometimes it has been my fault. But most of the time, it's just them. But I've stopped thinking the problem is myself, I just haven't found the right people, those who will appreciate me. Well, no, I have found some of those people, actually, it would be unfair to deny it.
And my mom is as absent as always, I bet she's tired of my shit. I'm getting tired too, since we're being honest, but I don't know how to fix this anymore. I know what I could try to do, but I have already done it, and it hasn't worked so well.
I'll keep living for the change, making use of this abilities I have being given, to fulfill my special purpose, whatever it is.
What I need is out there, I just have to keep on searching.

Hai, dumb cunt

You grow up knowing in your life you are going to find people who will try to make a hell out of your existence. You grow up imagining a thousand ways to get rid of them and keep on living, never imagining how really hard it would be to do so. Maybe because, somehow you love those people. Maybe because, in order to lose sight of them, you need to lose sight of someone you love. Or maybe just because circumstances don't allow you to let out all that which wants to be released.
I'm finding out in the hardest way, the consequence of every mistake I've ever made.

Friends

That show you how much they never deserved your trust. Friends that make plans and promises and share dreams with you, to then run out of time in the last minute. Friends that require you when they need someone, and then despise you when they're fine. Friends that love you in your good times, and abandon you under the rain. Friends that you've never needed. Or wanted.

Friends too scared of everything to share adventures with you. Friends too stick to the shoreline to sail into unknown waters. Too afraid of the risk to take the fall for what they want.

There's only one thing they do for you. They show you your own flaws and make you want to do anything to not be like them. 

Coward. 

Fake.

Unworthy. 

Friends that help you discern between what appears to be and what is.

All this time

After all, he was never mine. Well, it's him the one to miss a great girl.
Today I've been given a talk by a friend of mine, some huge piece of inspirational advice.
Here it goes.
And sorry for not writing in so long, I'll try to update the blog at least once a week from now on.
"Hey there, my fighting girl! I've loved your short tale, your Memories, and what I've loved the most is that rebel spirt of yours and that will to fight and fight for a better world, if you keep on with those thoughts and you don't just sit down with your arms crossed and not caring about anything, like most people your age do, I'm sure you will get far. Of course, that form of being isn't exempt from suffering, because struggles also create frustration when they are not listened to or corresponded, but you'll also get much satisfaction if you have enough perseverance and motivation. And that's how I want to see you, motivated, because life without dreams and hopes, whether they're big or small, is nothing. I can see you are frustrated now because you don't get as much attention as you'd want to from the people surrounding you, but I'd like to teach you one of the most important lessons in life: truly, even if we are surrounded by people who give us love and protect us, we are alone, alone with our little intimacies, with our daily nature and moments of loneliness, and only you can get your job done. Now see, this lonesomeness I'm talking about is not bad, it is the solitude of independence, this meaning the only person you will be able to always count on unconditionally is yourself. You will find out that in your darkest times others can keep you company and give you advice, but finally the one who's going to have to face the world will be you, and you'll have to do it on your own. Therefore, don't feel frustrated when you don't find the answers to your life in others, look for them in yourself, listen to what you've got to say, give yourself what you need and let that side of you I so highly admire and value come out. That side which is able to enjoy solitude by inventing a thousand games, ideas and imaginative tasks where you can be yourself and have so much fun. Appeal to your great imagination and talent to evade those not so happy moments that life puts in the path of us all. All in all, beautiful, if you want to create a better world begin with your own universe, and to do so you can only rely on yourself. Others give us what they can or know how to give us, the only one to know what you really need is you and, sorry, but if there's a girl with creativity and inventive, that's you. Make of your room that redoubt of creation and intelligentsia. Explode and explore your gifts, believe in yourself and in you capacity of being with yourself doing productive things, and you will no longer feel alone. When things don't turn out the way you want them to, take refuge in that room of yours and get out the best of you by creating or absorbing knowledge, and you'll see how you get out and produce wonderful things from the bad experiences. 
Ah, well, I hope I haven't messed you up instead of helping you. Like we have already said, life is made of little things, but nothing comes by itself, you need to look for those little things. Each one of us must know what we enjoy the most and what takes out the best of us. There's a beautiful quote from Tagore, that says "if you cry because you can't see the sun, your tears won't let you see the stars". Don't allow frustration to prevent you from seeing and to block you, there are so many things that need to be found out there... Have a thousand, well, not a thousand! Eight hundred thousand kisses of mine and you know you can write to me whenever you want or need to. I'd like you to tell me if you have understood this or if I have made a mess of myself and you haven't caught a thing. Let me know. Lot's of kisses again, and remember I love you to infinity and beyond, my rebel without a cause. Lot's of love."

Hai, love

Finally, he's made a choice. He's chosen, me.

It could't be better. 

Well, wait. Yes it could. 

She could be over it. I really hope she forgets this soon.

Well, no. She won't forget it. But I hope she doesn't see herself affected too much by it. 

And I hope he doesn't break my heart after shattering hers. 

I've put my whole trust in this. I really hope it turns out right. 

I've totally opened up. 

I hope he doesn't throw it all away. 

About my other he, he'll be fine, I guess. I'm not that great. He'll find someone else. 

But he, Elmo, he's incredible, inimitable. I understand her to not feel right. 

I myself have felt that way over him a dozen times, because of her. Although this fact doesn't make me feel better. I really hope she's okay.

But I love him too much to let go.

I'm sorry. 

Not afraid to carry on, to keep on living on my own.

It's been a beautiful day. Not because anything nice has happened, it might as well be the complete opposite. I've come to realize (not without some tears), I'm strong enough to keep on living, despite what other people do with their lives. By this I mean I have finally achieved that emotional independence I've been seeking to obtain for so long. Finally I've began to see things from a different and improved perspective; maybe it's not that I'm loosing someone, maybe it is that someone who is loosing me. Maybe I don't have to be the stupid good girl who is always on the chase for someone else. Maybe I'm giving myself the chance to be chased, this meaning from now on it will not only be me who will fight to preserve friendships or relationships. Now I demand some effort in return. Maybe it's not that I am unable to keep people by my side, but it's the other people who seem to be not capable of retaining me by theirs.
It's been a beautiful day. The sun is out and shinning, and I'm about to chill at the beach with a good friend of mine. It's not perfect, I'm not perfect, but happiness is not a synonym on perfection, happiness is learning to see beyond the imperfections. And I'm proud and cheerful for being able to say I am happy now. 

Fuck it. I'm young. 

To do before dying:

1. An 'around the world in two months' trip.
2. Moving out of here, to wherever.
3. Forming a band.
4. Writing a book.
5. Getting a degree on journalism or forensic anthropology, whatever makes me feel more satisfied. 
6. Getting my paintings to be known. 
7. Making many, many mistakes to learn from.
8. Seeing the Great Barrier Reef, the Rocky Mountains, the Olympic Peninsula, all those places I've spent my childhood dreaming of. 
9. Learning italian. 
10. Living somewhere where you can see the stars at night. 
11. Achieving whatever more I think of from here until I die
12. In definitive, living. 

An insane mind's tale. Part I.

I can't remember the point where it all started, because it's something that has always been there with me. My insecurities have followed after me my whole life. But that was their point of maximum expression. I looked in the mirror and saw ugliness. Too much to even be loved. Too much for my mom to want me. Too deep for anyone to see through it. I had to do something about it. I blamed my body for it, the extra fat, so I just decided to stop it all at once: I stopped eating and the never-ending working out sessions began. Things like "I ate before coming", "No mom, I did not throw it in the bin, I ate it", "Mom, I'm not going to purge, I just need to go to the bathroom, please!", "Stop trying to control me, it's MY body, MY life, mind your business", "I'm not too thin, I'm fat!", "Stop lying...", "Shut up! Let me go!", "Why won't you leave me alone?", "I hate myself, I hate everyone else too", etc., began coming out of my mouth. I wouldn't admit the obvious. I was shown one list after another of symptoms of what everyone thought was anorexia nervosa. But I didn't have anorexia nervosa. It couldn't be. I was just fat, and they were all crazy. In a few months I would be thin, they'd all stop driving me nuts and everything would go back to normal. I would be pretty, and feel pretty at last, for once. For once I wouldn't be that ugly girl.
Everyday was a struggle. After "eating" I had to go running. Then some aerobic. After that I could slow down a little and just work out my abs on the sofa. Some jumping jags before going to bed... just a couple abs more... that's it for today. On the next morning... breakfast? Yeah, like I spent the whole yesterday working out to ruin it now with a damn breakfast. Lunch? Sure. Why not? Oh, I see. I'm still fat. Dinner? Hm, well, just a glass of milk and then I'll dance "a bit".
Up to there, all okay, until I started noticing some strange things. As the weight went down, I became bigger and bigger. That was weird. I checked a list of fifteen symptoms of A-N: I presented 15 out of 17. More than weird. I went to the mirror and took off my t-shirt. I had lost 10 kilos in just a few months. That huge belly wasn't supposed to be there. Plus, the t-shirt I was wearing, well, it was the smallest size. All my jeans would be too big for me. Odd. Everyone told me I was too thin... More than odd...

Marilyn Monroe.

We should all start to live before we get old.
Fear is stupid.
So are regrets. 

If it's what you want it's worth it all.

Live with no fear. No fear of the aftermath. Living the present as you please is one of the most certain ways to guarantee yourself your dreamed future. Never forget, you are free of will, you are a free soul. If you can think of something you can surely do it, it's just a matter of starting off. 
Here's a question I've been asking myself more than often lately: should I go for that which I love to do, which I'm best at and which could become my biggest dream? It seems easy, but the complication comes when we think of a "what if". What if it doesn't turn out good? Should I not bet for my dreams, and go for what is sure and stable? I'm scared. Scared of regret.
Sometimes I wish I was completely fearless. Once I heard being courageous doesn't mean you have no fear, but that you don't allow the fear you're feeling to stop you from moving. But what if you don't know in which direction to move? Should I take that sunny, obstacle-free path, or the one covered in shadows? Which one will take me to paradise?

Self hatred

I quit cutting for my mom. I quit suicidal thoughts for my sake. I started eating for my future. I took myself out of depression so that I could carry all of those other things out.
Don't ever think I did it because I appreciate myself in any way. I might be happy, but that means I'm content with my life, not with who I am. I don't want to lose my possibilities, that future me which I hope I will be able to love or at least like. I can't lose that, my life would lose all sense. I'm even scared my brother won't love the silly thing of unsound mind he has for a sister.