Metamorphosis

I hate being the kind of person that has been so beaten up by it's life that has ended up turning into something completely different from what it's supposed to be. What I am supposed to be. I got tired of always being the kind naïve girl who just wished upon everyone else's happiness but wasn't able to find her own. So what am I now? A bitter fourteen year old girl tired of living? I don't know what to do. Before I was alone, but at least I knew what I wanted and I went for it. Now I'm still alone. But I don't see a light in my future anymore. I thought I couldn't hate myself anymore than I already did. I was so mistaken. I just want it all to disappear. Everything.
My mind must seem so fucked to you. One day I write about how much life is worth it, the next about how I'd like to kill myself and everyone around me. It's not your fault, I don't understand myself most of the time either.
But what the hell can I do but carry on? I'm not gonna stop it now. I've been making it through this dreadful fourteen years, for my pride I can't just give it up now. What can I do?
May I just fall dead right now if I ever even thought I'd end up like this some years ago. I can't see pictures of myself when I was a child without crying. What happened to you? Why did you become a monster? When did it happen? 
For God's sake.