Stuck.

Do you ever feel like every time you're about to get it, to be the person you wanna be, that little part of yourself that hates you comes out and screws all that you've achieved? Yes? All the time? Well, now we're two. Or maybe two thousand. I go to bed, stare at the ceiling, think of it all, I make a decision and carry it out. You make all your way, through sweat and effort, and you're there. And then, you fall back down to the start. I thought I couldn't be worse than I was, stuck with no progress. I was wrong, it's worse to not be able to keep that little progress you manage to make. Is the self destructive me always going to win? 

You try.

You fail?

Doesn't matter,

try again.

Fail again?

Fail better.

Metamorphosis

I hate being the kind of person that has been so beaten up by it's life that has ended up turning into something completely different from what it's supposed to be. What I am supposed to be. I got tired of always being the kind naïve girl who just wished upon everyone else's happiness but wasn't able to find her own. So what am I now? A bitter fourteen year old girl tired of living? I don't know what to do. Before I was alone, but at least I knew what I wanted and I went for it. Now I'm still alone. But I don't see a light in my future anymore. I thought I couldn't hate myself anymore than I already did. I was so mistaken. I just want it all to disappear. Everything.
My mind must seem so fucked to you. One day I write about how much life is worth it, the next about how I'd like to kill myself and everyone around me. It's not your fault, I don't understand myself most of the time either.
But what the hell can I do but carry on? I'm not gonna stop it now. I've been making it through this dreadful fourteen years, for my pride I can't just give it up now. What can I do?
May I just fall dead right now if I ever even thought I'd end up like this some years ago. I can't see pictures of myself when I was a child without crying. What happened to you? Why did you become a monster? When did it happen? 
For God's sake.

I can't.

I can't do it.

Cliche, sweet cliche.

"Retrain your brain. Say: 'I am not to be compared to no one. There must be someone better than me, but also worse. I am not to be compared to no one. I am unique, I am beautiful.'"
Sure. Like it was that damn easy. There goes my try.
I'm a girl, a fourteen year old girl, living one of the best times of her life, but still not being what we could call happy. After the storm, I haven't reached my well-deserved sunlight, yet. It's just a matter of time.
I'm moody, irritable and lazy. I'm stubborn, to unsuspected limits. I'm suggestible, way too sensitive and way too reserved. I hate exercise. I hate having too much free time. I'm odd. I've fallen uncountable times, ad nauseam. I'm self destructive. I've cried my heart out so many times, and no one has found out. I have a low self esteem. I myself am a contradiction.
But, I'm loving, and I have so much love to give it doesn't fill in my chest. I defend my opinion and beliefs to death, and my beloved people. Being reserved just makes me more mysterious, being sensitive humanizes me, and being suggestible makes me realize what I really want or not want to be. I use my time well, and train my mind, not my body. I'm a limited edition. I've always went back to my feet, always moved on, always been brave enough. I appreciate the little things. Each tear has made me an inch stronger. I appreciate myself more than any self conscious person will ever love themselves. I analyze several points of view, before making a decision. 
There's so much more to say about me, there are so much more flaws, but also virtues I haven't discovered, there's no much more to see, to feel, that living to have it, to reach that full knowledge of myself and who I am makes life worth it. It is worth it. So, so much worth it.