An insane mind's tale. Part I.

I can't remember the point where it all started, because it's something that has always been there with me. My insecurities have followed after me my whole life. But that was their point of maximum expression. I looked in the mirror and saw ugliness. Too much to even be loved. Too much for my mom to want me. Too deep for anyone to see through it. I had to do something about it. I blamed my body for it, the extra fat, so I just decided to stop it all at once: I stopped eating and the never-ending working out sessions began. Things like "I ate before coming", "No mom, I did not throw it in the bin, I ate it", "Mom, I'm not going to purge, I just need to go to the bathroom, please!", "Stop trying to control me, it's MY body, MY life, mind your business", "I'm not too thin, I'm fat!", "Stop lying...", "Shut up! Let me go!", "Why won't you leave me alone?", "I hate myself, I hate everyone else too", etc., began coming out of my mouth. I wouldn't admit the obvious. I was shown one list after another of symptoms of what everyone thought was anorexia nervosa. But I didn't have anorexia nervosa. It couldn't be. I was just fat, and they were all crazy. In a few months I would be thin, they'd all stop driving me nuts and everything would go back to normal. I would be pretty, and feel pretty at last, for once. For once I wouldn't be that ugly girl.
Everyday was a struggle. After "eating" I had to go running. Then some aerobic. After that I could slow down a little and just work out my abs on the sofa. Some jumping jags before going to bed... just a couple abs more... that's it for today. On the next morning... breakfast? Yeah, like I spent the whole yesterday working out to ruin it now with a damn breakfast. Lunch? Sure. Why not? Oh, I see. I'm still fat. Dinner? Hm, well, just a glass of milk and then I'll dance "a bit".
Up to there, all okay, until I started noticing some strange things. As the weight went down, I became bigger and bigger. That was weird. I checked a list of fifteen symptoms of A-N: I presented 15 out of 17. More than weird. I went to the mirror and took off my t-shirt. I had lost 10 kilos in just a few months. That huge belly wasn't supposed to be there. Plus, the t-shirt I was wearing, well, it was the smallest size. All my jeans would be too big for me. Odd. Everyone told me I was too thin... More than odd...

Marilyn Monroe.

We should all start to live before we get old.
Fear is stupid.
So are regrets. 

If it's what you want it's worth it all.

Live with no fear. No fear of the aftermath. Living the present as you please is one of the most certain ways to guarantee yourself your dreamed future. Never forget, you are free of will, you are a free soul. If you can think of something you can surely do it, it's just a matter of starting off. 
Here's a question I've been asking myself more than often lately: should I go for that which I love to do, which I'm best at and which could become my biggest dream? It seems easy, but the complication comes when we think of a "what if". What if it doesn't turn out good? Should I not bet for my dreams, and go for what is sure and stable? I'm scared. Scared of regret.
Sometimes I wish I was completely fearless. Once I heard being courageous doesn't mean you have no fear, but that you don't allow the fear you're feeling to stop you from moving. But what if you don't know in which direction to move? Should I take that sunny, obstacle-free path, or the one covered in shadows? Which one will take me to paradise?

Self hatred

I quit cutting for my mom. I quit suicidal thoughts for my sake. I started eating for my future. I took myself out of depression so that I could carry all of those other things out.
Don't ever think I did it because I appreciate myself in any way. I might be happy, but that means I'm content with my life, not with who I am. I don't want to lose my possibilities, that future me which I hope I will be able to love or at least like. I can't lose that, my life would lose all sense. I'm even scared my brother won't love the silly thing of unsound mind he has for a sister.