I did it once again
Another expedition
To a well known place
I found what I wanted
In a painful way
But when the pain faded away
The crimson poison got ready to lead the parade
domingo, 26 de junio de 2011
Untitled.
Thank God I was wrong. I'm not bipolar, what I have is even worse: teen-polarity. Haha, let's forget I just said that. What I mean is that all that I thought is wrong with me, is just that I'm a teenager. Well, if being a teenager involves being depressed half of the time, this is a fucking rip off.
Today I have this empty feeling in my chest once again. I'm alone, no one cares about what happens to me. I could die right now while having a shower and no one would realize until they went to the bath for a towel and found me laying there. They'd cry for me some days, maybe they'd be sad for a couple of months and life moves on. I wouldn't like it to be in any other way either. I'm not worth getting depressed for, not even if I died. I don't know what stops me from ending it all right now. Probably the fact that there are many things I haven't done; like I don't wanna die before I feel unconditionally loved at least once, also I wanna see the northern lights, I wanna learn to play the guitar...
All those wishes for the future are they one's who keep me there today, so I'm able to say music is my only savior, not love or none of those stupidities, because feeling unloved, the lack of love is what's got me here now, thinking about ending it all. Moreover, my psychologist told me to stop cutting, and "threatened" me by saying if I didn't, I'd probably end up at a psychiatrist and having pills. What can I do now to get distracted? Play the piano? That makes me feel wistful, because I think my dream will never come true. Calling a friend? Yeah, I have so many friends waiting for me to call them and tell them about this feelings, and even if I had them I wouldn't call. Reading? I could try that, but first I'm having a shower and I can predict I'll end up cutting once more. I'm strong. I have to resist. This unfair world is not gonna get to me. Things can only get better, and nothing lasts forever, not the good things nor the bad. Someday this will end. I just have to make my way through the pain and the mood swings until that day arrives.
Today I have this empty feeling in my chest once again. I'm alone, no one cares about what happens to me. I could die right now while having a shower and no one would realize until they went to the bath for a towel and found me laying there. They'd cry for me some days, maybe they'd be sad for a couple of months and life moves on. I wouldn't like it to be in any other way either. I'm not worth getting depressed for, not even if I died. I don't know what stops me from ending it all right now. Probably the fact that there are many things I haven't done; like I don't wanna die before I feel unconditionally loved at least once, also I wanna see the northern lights, I wanna learn to play the guitar...
All those wishes for the future are they one's who keep me there today, so I'm able to say music is my only savior, not love or none of those stupidities, because feeling unloved, the lack of love is what's got me here now, thinking about ending it all. Moreover, my psychologist told me to stop cutting, and "threatened" me by saying if I didn't, I'd probably end up at a psychiatrist and having pills. What can I do now to get distracted? Play the piano? That makes me feel wistful, because I think my dream will never come true. Calling a friend? Yeah, I have so many friends waiting for me to call them and tell them about this feelings, and even if I had them I wouldn't call. Reading? I could try that, but first I'm having a shower and I can predict I'll end up cutting once more. I'm strong. I have to resist. This unfair world is not gonna get to me. Things can only get better, and nothing lasts forever, not the good things nor the bad. Someday this will end. I just have to make my way through the pain and the mood swings until that day arrives.
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