Soon.

I'm not quitting because I don't love him anymore.
Or because I'm done waiting, or giving him chances, or trying to take the ones he gives me.
I quit because I love us both, and this is wearing us out. It is hurting us too much, both of us.
And we both deserve much more than this.
I remember how it all started. The first time I caught him staring. The first time he caught me staring. The first time we touched, the first words we spoke, the first smiles. I remember that infinite feeling he gave me just by being next to me.
But lately, it's not that easy anymore, and we have tried, both of us, but it just doesn't seem to work out. We both need to forget a little. Maybe see someone else. I don't know if we need to move on, but we need a break. Time will say if we're meant or not.
As much as it hurts as hell, as much as I feel like I can't breathe when I think of it, as much as I feel it in every inch of my soul, as sorry as I am for this goodbye, I know this is what is ought to happen. It's something I cannot and shouldn't try to change.
Goodbye, my love.
I really hope we come back to each other.

Reason for change

My 2012 resolution was to eliminate all the obstacles that obstructed my path to happiness, as far as I can remember, and I did it. It took me most of the year to carry it out, but finally I did it.
And so my 2013 resolution is to be happy, and to live the life I have constructed for myself. And I must admit I love it. I've never, ever felt so integrated (except when I was a little girl) with the world.
I've realized I am more myself now than ever. When I was ten years old I changed. From then to my late fifteens I was insecure and shy, angry with the world, bitter, not who I am. I realized I was being nothing like myself after the summer, more specifically when I came back from the cruise my grandma won and that my stepfather and me enjoyed. I lived so many amazing things it was life changing.
I met nameless him. Who is he? He's a boy I fell in love with. Noticed I've said fell in love. Why? I had never, EVER felt something so strong for anyone, absolutely no one, and in such a short time. In not more than eight days he made me love him madly, so madly I thought I was losing my sanity when it all ended and I had to come back. Ugh, coming back was heartbreaking. When we were on the bus to go to Barcelona's Airport I could feel the tightest knot I've ever felt in my throat and stomach. My eyes burnt, because I wanted to cry so badly. I just wanted to be left alone to cry, but it was a different kind of sadness. I didn't feel hopeless or misunderstood, like I had felt so often up to that moment. I felt stronger than ever, I realized I had gotten my light back, I was myself again after so many years. I had a purpose then: to be like myself again, the incredible girl I was always told to be and that I had lost somewhere along the way. I found myself again in that ship, and that is something I will never forget.
Recently I removed all of the posters from the walls of my room. The main reason was that I didn't like those bands anymore, but I've realized there might be another reason. My room has always been a reflection of myself, you can walk into it and know from the start what kind of girl I am, and well, I was tired of looking in my walls and seeing others' life, I wanted to see my own. And so, now I have photographs. Of my childhood or recent ones that I have taken myself. And I have maps, the maps of some of the places I visited during the cruise. And I have drawings of mine, the only poster that survived is an astronomy one I love.
In the cruise I also met a scottish man that was kind enough to let me know how wonderful he thought I was. On the day of the gala dinner I was wearing a dress that belonged to my mom, a pair of high heels and semi-straight-blow-dried-in-two-minutes hair, and I felt like drowning. So what did I do? I finished eating, I went up to my room, tied my hair up, left the heels in a corner, took my camera and went out to take some pictures. While I was on my quest for the perfect picture of the hall, he came out of a door, was really friendly. He asked me whether I was french, because I had a really lovely french accent, and I answered I wished I were. Later on we met again on a staircase and he asked me if I would like him to take me a picture. I obviously said no, but he insisted. He said I looked really beautiful just like I was dressing in that exact moment. I still have those pictures he took, which are frankly horrible, but I have them as a symbol of the fact that that not everyone sees the good things in me doesn't make them nonexistent. I also met a nice girl from A Coruña called Carmen who was nuts, and an interesting waiter. And well, it all just made me more like myself again. So thank you, world, for putting that on my way. Thanks, really.

Overseas

So, so far away,
across the ocean.
Far away, too far,
far for a maybe.

Even if we both wait.
Who says you love me anyway?
Far away, too far,
far for a chance.

Even if we both run,
to the middle.
I can't see you in the distance.

Even if we both scream,
to the top of our lungs,
I can't hear you.
My yell suffocates yours.

Even though I want you,
and if you wanted me,
it could never be.
There's an ocean in between.

It blockades any desire,
and distance kills passions,
too far, far away.
That's what they say.

Even if we both wait,
even if we both run,
even if we both scream.
Bigger than any kind of love.

But what do we say?
Will they have the last word,
in our maybe?
I'll wait, and run, and scream.

Just try.
One day it will be worth it,
we'll shut their mouths,
when we're side to side.

F you, my dear

You can always try to shut me,
stop me, throw me to the ground.
I've hit it before.

It's a reality, you can try to destroy me,
walk over my defeated corpse.
I'm sure that's what you dream of.

It's true that you can beat me,
use me, fool me, hurt me, abuse me.
Don't say you wouldn't like to.

But it's also true I won't stay still,
letting you begin your kill,
giving up on every dream,
watching it all leave as you win.

You can put my loved ones against me,
then they weren't worthy of trust.

You can shout out to the world the flaws,
I'm already aware of.

Break my bones, bleed me dry,
make me lose the sanity I so dearly protect.

But I'm invincible.
I'm stronger than you are.
I outwit you in every way.
I have fallen to the ground,
and picked myself up every day.
I've heard what you had to say,
And I have a message to give,
Since you can only talk bullshit,
I tell you to fuck off, kindly.

I'm sorry about swearing,
there is just no other way.
This is a strong feeling,
and you all need to see how far.

You won't take from me all I've built,
You won't conquer my empire,
I'd rather die than to see it in your power.

You laugh now, like I didn't mean it,
But soon, you will see,
How you should've never underestimated me.

And it's a fact.

Southern anecdotes

I already came back from the south, as you probably will have noticed. I had a lot of fun there too, I even got "tan" (which, for me, is basically not as pale as before), I spent the day at the pool, playing water polo and swimming races with my younger cousins. But I also found out that I am up to the circumstances when it is required.
There was this nine year old girl, who had went there with her younger sister, her big sister (a sixteen year old four door closet who wanted to be my friend from the start, but she didn't talk to me though), and her nine year old cousin. The first day I got there, the big sister wanted to be my friend, as I said, and the nine year old cousin of theirs asked my out. The first I thought? Since when the hell am I so popular? Then I saw them both bullying the nine year old Tati, right in front of me. What do I do?
–Come, Tati, let's go for a walk.
–Well, okay.
–Finally, you take her out of our sight!
–No, actually I'm taking you out of her sight.
Yeah. Later on Tati told me everything, and told me the typical things you are told when you do something good, but I am not a wonderful person, I'm just a girl with a sense, and a defined view of what is wrong and what is right. I took the sixteen year old and Tati, and talked to them both.
–Hey, you are really hurting your sister.
–Yes, but it's not on purpose, we're just kidding.
–I know you think you're just kidding, having some fun, but what you do does get to her, and your jokes have gone way too far. Look, you are the older one, you have to be a role model to her, someone she can look up to. I wouldn't do to my brother what you are doing to her, because I love him, and I know it would be hurtful.
She said I was right. They fixed it and now they're great, and thank God, because that giant girl could have punched me unconscious, but that possibility didn't stop me.
Afterwards, this little kid called Brian, and his brother Alvaro came. They were amazing, and then Iruma (11), Carlos (4) and Chesare (12). Iruma is a good friend of mine now, and Chesare developed feelings for me somehow, up to a point when I had to stop it.
–Chesare, you're twelve years old. I wish you were older, but you're not.
–You wish that because you like me.
–I wish that because maybe if you were a little bit older, there would be a chance that I would like you.
And it's true, he was really fun, and interesting and handsome, but a kid still.
We played truth and dare and called hot, handsome and gorgeous to some guys at the pool. We ate leaves and answered awkward questions, and laughed so much. Also this girl called Shakira came, but that wasn't remarkable. I developed tighter bonds with my almost seventeen year old cousin and I took lots of pictures. Also I found out a guy had been calling me names with other people. I decided I didn't like that and confronted him, after talking for a while (when he stupidly insisted in that he didn't know me at all), he apologized. I couldn't even believe it.
We would lay down in the hammocks at night, listening to music and talking, and staring at the night sky. We played and laughed. I will never forget it.
Summer has been good.

Prohibitions and leaks

Last summer I met some people that were, well, different, from all the people I had ever hung out with, and my parents didn't like them from the very start. Since I was fourteen years old, there was nothing humanly possible I could to do see them without my parents noticing. 

But this year, there's been a twist in the plot. 

Today, three hours ago, I came back from going with some of those friends to the rehearsal of their band. Oh dear, was it fun. I can't find the appropriate words to phrase what I've been feeling since I did it. An adrenaline rush all the time, even my head and stomach hurt. After the rehearsal, we accompanied the rhythmic guitarist home, and then went to the soloist's guitarist house, and we did all sorts of stuff there, it was epic. Afterwards we went to the mall, and since two of them are dating, we left them alone, and me and the drummer went for a walk, and it was like this whole year hadn't passed since we last met, I felt so relieved and happy you could never tell unless you had felt the same. When I got home I felt really motivated to do all of the things I haven't felt like doing in the last days, so, paradoxically, those who my parents thought were bad influences for me, have ended up being the best therapy I could have ever gotten. At home, my parents tend to do nothing productive, they just sit around and rest before they are even tired, and since I spend a lot of time with them I began adopting their habits in some way, when that is nothing like myself. I am a very sparky, active, outdoors woman most of the time, when I am allowed to, and my friends love me to be that way, because basically we never get bored.

The ruse we elaborated in order for me to be able to go to the rehearsal, was that I would tell my parents I was going to hang out with a new friend of mine (the rhythmic guitarist's girlfriend, she looks like a good girl, so they didn't care, though they suspected of my intentions, I believe) at the mall. Once there, we would meet them and we would walk to the place where they rehearse, to then come back before my parents noticed.

And it worked so perfectly I couldn't believe it at first. I was very nervous before I did it, and I thought of not doing it, but I couldn't back off at that point. 

I hate lying to my parents, or to anyone, but I had no other option. When something is as good for you as my friends are, you can't just allow someone to take it away from you that easily. Fighting is the least you can do. I tried convincing my parents at first, but since it didn't work, I had to unfortunately look for more untruthful ways. 

But it was so, so, so much worth it. It had been a while since I felt so alive, I never want to come back down from this. Ever.

If you want it, go for it, it's the best piece of advice you'll ever get. Embrace it. And enjoy the ride.

Tell me it's not amazing